Ernest Scared Stupid

Ah Ernest, I knew thee well. It was nice growing up watching your antics. I could relate to you. Wait, were you based on my dad?

I’m ashamed that I forgot about Ernest for as long as I did, but not anymore. I’m coming to appreciate why I liked Ernest movies. It was good, stupid fun. Think about it, the majority of his movies were him making funny faces and doing crazy characters. Since it’s Halloween, I had to break out Ernest Scared Stupid, Ernest’s fourth theatrical adventure. I doubt anyone thinks this is his finest work, or that any of his work is fine by that matter, but I don’t care. If you didn’t grow up with it you probably won’t understand it.

The title sequence is so beautifully 90s it made my eyes hurt. Cool music set to clips of Ernest making funny faces (see above) combined with old B horror film clips. Ok, I know what you’re thinking, how does Ernest, mild mannered redneck, meet up with trolls in a romp that’s guaranteed to knock your socks off? That’s what you payed 35 cents to see back in 91 right? That’s how much movie tickets were then right? I don’t know nothing…

Basically the lame back story is that a long time ago, in a fake town in real Missouri, a little girl was chased by a hilarious troll named Trantor. Legend says it was the funniest troll ever, at least that’s what I got from the expression on her face. Luckily for her, Ernest’s ancestor and his posse was on the case and and used their magic-resistant nets to catch the beast. Instead of killing the thing like any normal posse would do, they chose the old plant-a-tree-on-top-of-the-troll-to-entomb-forever gag. Classic. Unfortunately, Ernest’s ancestor didn’t know he was Ernest’s ancestor.

Cut to:

Ext – Fake Town, Missouri – Day

Ernest is hanging out with his child friends like he normally does, as well as his dog Rimshot. I would like to now note that Rimshot is very high on my list of the best names for pets. Anyway they’re chilling in Ernie’s dump truck, because that’s what a fake town’s sole sanitation worker does, when they run into Kenny’s dad, the sole police officer in town. He’s pissed because he’s not Andy Griffith, and tells Ernie that he needs to go make some crazy lady clean up her estate, and not to worry because she probably doesn’t have anything to do with trolls.

So Ernie goes to Eartha Kitt’s house, and after a show-stopping performance of Santa Baby, she proceeds to creep him out. Apparently he’s destined to bring the curse of the troll on Fake Town, just because. Since her job is to be the sole creepy mystical lady in town, I would have believed her and just went on a vacation, but with Halloween and all…

…I guess it does make sense to just ignore her and instead look for the creepiest tree in town to help your child friends use for a tree house, right? Who listens to foreshadowing anyway?

Well that’s what they find, and get to work building the most ridiculously 90s treehouse ever. There were pizza catapults, canons that fired refried beans, etc. All of this was to stave off some bullies in the subplot. By this point, even thought I love Ernest, the suspense is killing me, I NEED TROLLS. Luckily, they didn’t disappoint. The child friends leave their man friend and…

Of course Trantor proceeds to completely ruin Fake Town, because you see trolls capture children, turn them into wooden dolls, and then harvest more trolls and repeat the whole crazy process over and over! Don’t believe me?

Trantor captures all the characters whose names no one can remember, and who’s parents don’t really notice them being gone.

Pretty much, the rest of the movie plays out as you would expect. The town all assembles in the elementary school for a Halloween dance, Trantor shows up and crashes the party, and they find out that milk can kill trolls. Wait, milk? Well, old Trantor gets his tenth kid or something and unleashes his troll army just as all fifteen people that live in Fake Town show up to save the kids they realized they hadn’t seen in a few days. Picture twenty ugly trolls versus twenty bad actors. In my mind, it looks like this:

Ok sorry, I had to get the lame troll joke out of my system. Well, the townspeople dispose of the trolls with super soakers filled with milk, and all that’s left is good ol’ Trantor. But, in a crazy twist, he doubles his power somehow and is immune to their secret weapon. Luckily, Ernest possessed the super secret weapon, the heart of a child (and/with) mother’s care. That’s the lamest secret weapon ever, but it works. Ernest does a little dance, makes a little love, and presto, troll all over everyone’s windshields.