Hello, readers, and welcome to Presidential Madden, a little labor of love I cooked up in response to my declaration that Mitt Romney was 74 Overall. Before I actually go about listing the roster of Presidents and their respective ratings, I need to clear up a few things, namely, an introduction for myself and the ratings I will be using.
I am John Risley, a twenty-seven-year-old Independent with Libertarian leanings. I was a History major in college, and have always loved the study. Since I vote Libertarian, you can be assured that I am not playing favorites with these Presidents based on my political leanings, as I would not have voted for any of them. Besides, there are plenty of good Presidents with bad ratings, and vice versa. It is important to remember that this will be hilarious and diverting, and you WILL disagree with many of the points presented, and the ratings attached to them.
I intend to go through this series as “four quarters.” First, the “Founding Father” and “Antebellum” era Presidents, starting with George Washington and ending with James Buchanan. Then, I will cover everyone from Lincoln to William McKinley, thus ending right around 1900. From there, we will go up to Kennedy, at which point I will resume the last portion with all the “television” Presidents. There will be asides, and others rated as well, surely Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, and Stephen Douglas rank as people worthy of covering. Without further ado, here are the ratings:
The Ratings
Charisma: A President’s general charm, verve, and smoothness. Presidents with high charisma present their arguments in concise fashions, never appear fully defeated in debates, and generally inspire trust in their constituents. Those with low charisma struggle when presented with difficulties in debates, are mistrusted, and are capable of sounding stupider than they in fact are.
Diplomacy: This is the art of international politics and public relations, the ability to engender trust with those different from them. A President with high Diplomacy keeps peace with relative ease, performs in the “figurehead” role well, and can always be trusted to represent American as a human being. Those with low Diplomacy fail to represent themselves in such positive light.
Honesty: A very simple rating, and one of the most subjective of them all. This is simply a measure of the person’s personal honesty, as well as a measure of how well someone carries out their promises. Integrity is the synonym, here.
Legislation: The knowledge the President possesses of the legislation he is involved in ratifying.
Awareness: The innate knowledge of how this legislature, as well as one’s personal actions, will reflect upon oneself to their constituency.
Sex Appeal: Even though most Presidents are not, de facto, attractive by todays standards, it is more important to think of the carnal appeal they have as a “manly man” to both men and women, through force of will, good nature, or general handsomeness. (Please save any comments about chauvinism until after a woman has been elected. Then the rating will be modified.)
Voice: A general description of the noises that came out of a President’s mouth.
Toughness: Diplomacy is important in preventing conflict, but when conflict breaks out, you might want a President with high Toughness. This is the measure of how the President represents our country militarily, whether they are a dove or a hawk is important, but in many cases a dove can be a bird whose nest you wouldn’t want to bother.
Physicality: The general health, wellness, and vigor displayed by the President’s body, actions, and endeavors. This is very important to Americans in particular, who include exercise and sport in their daily lives.
I hope you enjoy the content I am going to share with you all, and I will leave you with but a few important notes on what you will read.
On Historical Relativism: Generally speaking, as time progresses, Presidents get less tough, more diplomatic, and there are many more laws to be considered and understood. Thus, you may think some ratings are low, or high, or that I am forgetting some important factor in generating them; only remember that I have not homogenized them into one group, and that they remain within their own time period.
On Veracity: There will be none.
On Subject Matter: This is intended for mature audiences only, as I am nearly incapable of expressing myself without cursing every few seconds.
