Hello, everyone, and welcome to the First Quarter of Presidential Madden, where I’ll explain the tenures and personalities of our first fifteen American Presidents. I hope you all enjoy reading it, but remember: no debates or arguing! All of the things I have presented below are not subject to interpretation, as they are all literal fact, in many cases shot in real time, one take, one camera.
Take a look at the Welcome Post to get a refresher on the Ratings used for each President.
Virginia, Unaligned, 1789-1797
Vox: The booming laugh of two boulders colliding together to form Mount Rushmore
George Washington, our first President, is difficult to assign ratings too due mostly to the legend surrounding him. All signs say that he was an efficient, task-oriented leader, a tall handsome man with a rugged physique, and above all, a figurehead for a fledgling nation in need of a sort of invincible figure to don the ceremonial Stars-and-Stripes armor of the U.S. and whip that vibranium shield around some. In war, Washington was absolutely unfuckwithable, (I did not make this word up; you shouldn’t end sentences or clauses with prepositions) single-handedly killing a number of men I cannot legally or mathematically declare in this essay. In peace, whenever he wanted to have sex with something, it generally wanted to have sex with him back, and I think that is the finest testament to this American hero.