Let’s Fix StarWars.com’s Character Tournment

To capitalize on the March Madness that will grab college basketball fans this week, StarWars.com has introduced a similarly themed character tournament. The official site has paired 32 Star Wars  personalities in a Light Side vs. Dark Side showdown. Daily, starting on Monday, March 19, you can vote in head-to-head popularity contests. They call it “This Is Madness.” The individual battles lead up to the finale, set for voting on April 9.

Despite all their work, it’s really not that interesting. There is a mildly entertaining video with Darth Vader that pretty much anyone with a costume and a YouTube account could create. Paging Chad Vader. I’ve already turned in my bracket for the office pool betting that everyone’s favorite baddie Boba Fett takes home top prize. Ultimately, StarWars.com did something geeky but didn’t quite make it geeky enough.

We do not condone gambling—even with Imperial credits.

I look at this as a missed opportunity for the Lucasfilm crew. There have been Star Wars character rankings before. (See IGN, Empire mag, and Total Film.) Lucasfilm could’ve easily expanded the field to 64 or even 128 characters for a battle royale. We would finally have an officially sanctioned list of the most beloved Star Wars characters of all-time.

I say we make some revisions. Let’s create our own list of the best Star Wars has to offer. Surely, George Lucas won’t object. I understand he likes to make changes to stuff. We’ll call ours “This Is Madness: The Special Edition.”

Let’s examine the characters they missed. You don’t have to browse the bracket for long to pause and shout out “IT’S A TRAP!” Yes, StarWars.com has left off our favorite Mon Calamari commander Admiral Ackbar. There are two other important omissions from the Rebellion leadership, Mon Mothma and Bail Organa.

And what about the other droids? Unlike the Mos Eisley Cantina, we do serve their kind here. R2-D2 and C-3PO got screwed with a first round match-up. The only other robotic contender is the infamous bounty hunter IG-88. Why not R5-D4? Sure, he’s got a bad motivator but he deserves inclusion. I’ll also throw in Gonk Droid, Probe Droid, and Mouse Droid.

Pause a second to consider some of the characters they did choose: Asajj Ventress, Ahsoka Tano, Cad Bane—and what the hell is a Hondo Ohnaka? While I won’t be a prequel hater, I will limit this tournament to only the six live-action movies. No Clone Wars, no Expanded Universe, and certainly no Holiday Special. Sorry, Ackmena. We can have another tournament after the release of Star Wars VII, VIII, and IX.

Back to the omissions. I applaud Lucas’s web team for including X-Wing hotshot Wedge Antilles. There are lots of other pilots you’ve got to have. Nien Numb helped bring down the second Death Star as Lando’s copilot. We’ve got to have ill-fated Jek Porkins for the weight challenged Star Wars fan in all of us.

I know Lucas is trying to forget prequel whipping boy Jar Jar Binks but he could’ve made a 16th seed at least. There are lots of other alien characters that need in also. Raise your arm if you think the Wampa and Ponda Baba, a.k.a. Walrus Man, need to be recognized. Every team needs a pint-sized Ugnaught. They show off some amazing ball-handling skills by tossing C-3PO’s head about in Empire. We also need Bib Fortuna, Sebulba, Watto, and, by all means, Greedo—he gets to shoot the ball first.

There are even human characters that got overlooked. Admiral Piett rose through the Imperial ranks before our eyes and needs to be in the Big Dance. Let’s also have Lobot, Captain Panaka, and Owen Lars—I’m pretty burned up they didn’t include Luke’s uncle. Last, but not least, we need to have a Stormtrooper representative. Of course they’re just clones of Jango Fatt but they are so iconic within the franchise that they have to be a part of our tournament remix.

So, what do you think? What other characters deserve to be in our Star Wars tournament? We didn’t even touch upon the bevy of Jedi prequel characters. Tell us your nomination in the comments.

Execute Order 67

Lastly I’ll prove I can be just as scheming as Palpatine. Let’s force a rebellion against the tyranny of StarWars.com. I say we band together to put a dark horse in the finals. Let’s stuff the ballot box for IG-88. Together we can rule this tournament and make the deadly droid the Cinderella story of the year. Who’s with me? Mark your calendars for Thursday, March 28.