Presidential Madden: The First Quarter

Posted 8 years ago by Stuff

Presidential Madden: The First Quarter

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the First Quarter of Presidential Madden, where I’ll explain the tenures and personalities of our first fifteen American Presidents. I hope you all enjoy reading it, but remember: no debates or arguing! All of the things I have presented below are not subject to interpretation, as they are all literal fact, in many cases shot in real time, one take, one camera.

Take a look at the Welcome Post to get a refresher on the Ratings used for each President.

George Washington

George Washington

Virginia, Unaligned, 1789-1797
Vox: The booming laugh of two boulders colliding together to form Mount Rushmore

George Washington, our first President, is difficult to assign ratings too due mostly to the legend surrounding him. All signs say that he was an efficient, task-oriented leader, a tall handsome man with a rugged physique, and above all, a figurehead for a fledgling nation in need of a sort of invincible figure to don the ceremonial Stars-and-Stripes armor of the U.S. and whip that vibranium shield around some. In war, Washington was absolutely unfuckwithable, (I did not make this word up; you shouldn’t end sentences or clauses with prepositions) single-handedly killing a number of men I cannot legally or mathematically declare in this essay. In peace, whenever he wanted to have sex with something, it generally wanted to have sex with him back, and I think that is the finest testament to this American hero.

John Adams

John Adams

Federalist, Massachusetts, 1797-1801
Vox: A sumptuous licking of butter that will not stop, yet has no source.

Much of the information to be gleaned from John Adams’ statistics block can be learned simply from taking one glance at his fat, mealy-mouth, little pervert face. He definitely has a face you could just hear the sound of yourself punching, even if it means you would get tried for treason. However, it’s important to look past this simple fact and realize that despite this obvious shortcoming, he was just about the most effective pure politician of his era. He was a supreme judge of who was suitable for which offices, as well as how to teach his offspring how to be successful politicians as well. Was rated 81 Overall but he wanted the President to be referred to as “His High Mightiness,” so douchebag. That can be read as “SO douchebag,” or “thus, douchebag.”

Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson

Democratic-Republican, Virginia, 1801-1809
Vox: Truth.

Okay, you think this list is already bunk because you just saw two 99s in one block. I know it sucks; I know the law of primacy states I shouldn’t be giving you guys this much good stuff so early, but before you keep your stupid bitching up any more, listen!

At one literal, transient point in time in his life, Thomas Jefferson had to stop having sex with a slave he got for writing the Declaration of Independence, grab the equivalent of the Presidential Red Phone (Red Pigeon?) at the time, say “Enough is enough with the goddamn pirates already,” killed them, forged the longest-lasting American peace treaty ever, (with Morocco) took the money he saved on paying the pirates and bought half of America from Napoleon, built a neo-Palladian estate called Monticello, founded West Point, founded a mausoleum dedicated exclusively to “the old gods”, and founded Virginia University, was the first guy to find out about dinosaurs, and openly refused to quit doing any of the things other people thought he was an asshole for doing. I only made two of those things up!

James Madison

James Madison

Democratic-Republican, Virginia, 1809-1817
Vox: French, Spanish, Hebrew, sweet nothings.

Federalist papers… Democratic-Republican Party… War of 1812… Are you asleep yet? Why the low toughness? The U.S. won the War of 1812. We’ll address this in a couple Presidents. What you really need to know about this guy are these three things:

  1. Wife was a total babe named Dolly who even looks kind of hot in 200-year-old oil paintings and threw bomb-ass parties probably with bomb-ass mint juleps and big frilly skirts and all the hot chicks getting the vapors. And again; always with the slaves.
  2. Was the powderiest of a very powdery bunch. This dude’s butthole was like, NEVER chapped or reddish or sore or any of that.
  3. A very high voice rating because this dude was polyglot, which means he could speak just about any language; not a sexual term at all. I infer he was probably also good at cunnilingus, which is a sexual term. Knew how to speak Hebrew and only learned that because he learned everything else first, including how to keep his butthole, wife, and constituents smiling.
James Monroe

James Monroe

Democratic-Republican, Virginia, 1817-1825
Vox: Evidently, based on the quote below, he sounds like me in the midst of making something up.

Last President to have a wig with a ponytail, a tricorne hat, a falcon perched upon the pillow on his shoulder, three matching sets of wood, ivory, and golden dentures for administrative occasions, an arranged marriage, a powdered chest, a whipping boy, chopsticks, and a baby grand piano. Many of his contemporaries said fashion went downhill for American Presidents thenceforth.

Thus, it was very surprising when some beef started to pop off in the Western Hemisphere and he doffed his Wig of Foppery and placed the Wig of Devastation atop his brow. (This moment is immortalized in a Thomas Nast cartoon) In summary, he said that ”this whole chunk o’ noodles, or what have you, I don’t know what you call it, I can’t fucking speak Spanish, who do I look like, James Madison? Is OURS! I know no is the same in Spanish, so no.” And then he pointed at his chest with his thumb three times. Nobody really expected this from the old man, but they all high-fived anyway, not knowing he was drunk and wouldn’t remember it.

John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams

Democratic-Republican, Massachusetts, 1825-1829
Vox: The high, ear-piercing shriek of the hunted at bay.

Possessive of the cold, dead eyes of a near-dead raven in a church belfry even from his infancy, one would not expect John Quincy Adams to rise high in the world of politics. However, you must remember about that dad. Yes, that Dad, His High Mightiness. Imagine being born with eyes as black as ebony, under the watchful tutelage of a demanding father with a fat, cream-puff face begging to be punched, kicked, or mashed. A dad who saw the evil in him, wasn’t afraid of it, and in fact could eat the evil and spit it out like a vile, surging mass of corrupt butterflies from his gaping mouth. That is what happened to John Quincy Adams, who actually ended up being a pretty cool dude. He was really the first one to be like, “Fuck slaves,” and then personally stopped Thomas Jefferson before he could undo his belt to explain what he meant. People hated his ass for this until the day he died.

Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson

Democrat, Tennessee, 1829-1837
Vox: Think of a nearly senile southern man screaming at a young black man at the cash register, only over one hundred years ago.
Cha: 77 (or something else roughly the shape of two middle fingers)

Some will say much of that which I have written is mostly almost untrue, but I am pretty sure with “Old Hickory” I will let the facts speak for themselves. Urban legend says he beat a man to death with a cane made of hickory, and that is why the name. This is not true. The cane was not made of hickory. He’s called that because he’s tougher than shitting while someone else is washing their hands and you just wish they would leave and go back to work already. He killed like, I don’t know, four guys in duels, maybe more, most of them he openly admitted were for no reason, just that he was a dick and get used to it.

Remember when I was talking about the War of 1812? This guy won that, much in the manner of a 99 overall Madden player winning a few virtual Super Bowls. In the battle of New Orleans, he was outnumbered 7,500 to 5,000 and lost like 34 dudes, only because he wasn’t mashing X fast enough, but still. He just went out there with a big walking stick and started whopping those big lead balls back at the musketeers. It seemed weird to me but I don’t know all the rules of 19th century wars, so I guess the best analogy would be how badly I would dominate Old Hickory with a simple Pro Form Offense.

Martin Van Buren

Martin Van Buren

Democrat, New York, 1837-1841
Vox: Stupid Accent

First American-born President. Spoke Dutch first. Everyone hated him and agreed he could go suck a fat one by the time he was busy just lousing up the place. Are we done talking about this guy? Oh, I’m in charge of that?

William Henry Harrison

William Henry Harrison

Whig, Indiana, 1841
Vox: The cowboy’s enchanting jangle as he addresses you as “mister.”

Most historians would look you square in the eyes and lie to you, and tell you there is nothing left of William Henry Harrison; that knowledge is scant and his term even scanter, but this is all completely untrue. It would have taken years or even decades to manufacture the kind of retrovirus capable of taking down Harrison so easily. Everything was going according to plan, it seemed, for this thing, (as if there could be another name for his true form) until the engine started to rattle and bang, and the man-shaped god that emerged from the log cabin mysteriously vanished…

John Tyler

John Tyler

Whig/None, Virginia, 1841-1845
Vox: Patient, calm, submissive, and practical.

On the day his god left him, John Tyler wailed. To high heaven, he pleaded for the situation to be reversed. At this point, he knew it was possible. It had to be. William Henry Harrison, they called Him, and if ever a President was destined to be His High Mightiness it had to be him. His grace… his vigilance… to touch him would be a sin, he knew, like the desecration of some great masterwork, but he knew the stain of this would last forever. He had a dream they walked in a blizzard of ash, a gray so deep and vast it spat at the sun. “This is Earth,” Harrison said.
“In the future?”, Tyler asked.
“No. Always.”
Though the slogan may have been “Tippecanoe and Tyler, too,” Tyler found himself alone upon this world from the day he awoke from that dream, forevermore.

James K Polk

James K. Polk

Democrat, Tennessee, 1845-1849
Vox: Pretty cool guy, not too in-your-face about everything, just laid-back and chill.

America was glad to finally get a good, old-fashioned President after years of having to rouse John Tyler from his depressive slumber with smelling salts and haymaker rights. Sure, old-fashioned meant slaving and all that other morally and ethically unforgivable stuff, but let’s focus on the man here! First guy to think skinny girls were hot, starting a trend that would last until all the skinny women died off of cholera in 1878. Why the high toughness? He had kidney stones surgically removed with nothing but brandy as an anesthetic, and if you’ve also seen Deadwood, you know this surgery at the time was so gruesome people generally said “cocksucker” fifty times before they were finished. He didn’t really invent golf, per se, but he used to dig big trenches and fill them with buckets of warm water, throwing pieces of meat in for the dogs to romp about and fetch. Everyone thought that was lovely of a summer Sunday. He had a great shitlot of plans, and got a lot of them done in between his recreational periods, resulting in a guy who could pretty much walk in anywhere he wanted and eat anything on the menu for free.

Zachary Taylor

Zachary Taylor

Whig, Louisiana, 1849-1850
Vox: Ian McIlhenny as Barristan Selmy, even down to being able to “carve you like a cake!”

Zachary Taylor was a big, tough, dumb brute ready to get down on some Mexican killings and die violently ill. He was a Game of Thrones character more than anything; dying under mysterious circumstances, unstoppable in battle, wanton in his appetites. There are theories on his death of arsenic poisoning, simple gastroenteritis, or a fatal combination of iced milk and cherries.

But know this, friends and dear readers; on that chill day when President Taylor ate of the iced milk and cherries, the dark flame that came forth from his lips was pure sorcery, and to see his blade cut a cold swath through the ranks of the Dornishmen gathered to defend the banks of the Rio Grande would leave any man in awe of his wrath. Awe enough to elect him, yes… But enough to keep him alive?

Millard Fillmore

Millard Fillmore

Whig, New York, 1850-1853
Vox: A blubbering nincompoop intent upon ruining your entire family’s dinner.

There is a high tenor in the air as President Fillmore arrives at the podium to give his inauguration speech. In a million years, he knows the people would never vote for him, and he doesn’t know quite what to do next now that President Taylor has died. He clears his throat. A member of the audience cries out.

“You suck!” More audience members get caught up in the heckling.
“For real! You’re going to be a bad President!”
“Real bad! I agree with him! You are a loser!”

Millard Fillmore hates this… Why do they always do this… Poor Millard Fillmore, the President thinks. He stands there, looking down and murmuring that it will be okay… It will be over soon.

“Nice mole on your face! How did you get elected, did they let moles vote in this election?”

The audience roars with laughter in approval of this joke. Millard Fillmore is okay with this. Millard Fillmore knows he was born for this.

“You just absolutely are bad and have a dumb name, dude! Why are you still standing there!”

Millard Fillmore stands there for hours. Not a single member of the audience has left, and none show any signs of fatigue. The insults bounce off him now. He is strong now. He may be fat, but inside he is nothing but hard, hard bone, picked clean by these carrion eaters. He smiles at this thought, a smile so broad and insidious the audience cannot help but see, and remember the awful scope of his power. All agree in unison not to elect him, not ever.

Franklin Pierce

Franklin Pierce

Democrat, New Hampsire, 1853-1857
Vox: Before: Jim Carrey from The Mask
After: Eeyore

A good-looking, affable, charming wuss who, in a twist of fate most cruel, especially to wusses, had all of his children die. His family tree looks like the script to The Final Destination, even down to the straight, black, utilitarian lines denoting entire passages of important time. He was described as the “most well-liked man in all of New Hampshire,” around the time of his political ascendance, resulting in a lot of people snickering and making snide analogies because they’re pretty much all rich pricks out there.

James Buchanan

James Buchanan

Democrat, Pennsylvania, 1857-1861
Vox: Moving your finger real fast between your lips so it goes “Beebabbablubbeebbaabbaaee.”

Imagine your wife and kids are in grave danger in the next room, and you can hear some stranger sharpening a knife. Zachary Taylor would barge in, carve him like a cake, and be done with it. Franklin Pierce would probably tell on him, or call the cops or some wuss crap like that. William Henry Harrison knew better than to make such physical and temporal connections as a “true wife” or a “brood.”

If you are James Buchanan, what you do is just stand there, lip-synching the lyrics to “Too Shy”, twirling around singing into your hairbrush while the whole senior class is watching through your bedroom window, and all of a sudden you realize it’s a metaphor for your entire goddamned life.

If you want to see what a real man does when an entire nation of men rises against him, when he knows what he believes in is the righteous truth, and the dominance of his will cannot let him accept a middle ground, you probably should watch that movie Spielberg is doing with Daniel Day-Lewis ‘cuz that bitch can ACT. If you want more completely fabricated claims about Great American Men, tune in next issue of…. PRESIDENTIAL MADDEN!